Forgiveness is Hard . . .
If you’re anything like me, you’re good at holding grudges–especially against the alcoholic parent(s) in your life. I resent the fact that a beverage was chosen over me consistently throughout my formative years. Deep down I know the issue is much more complex than I’m making it, but my inner child just doesn’t want to let go. It has been so difficult to practice forgiveness when the resentment has reared its ugly head so often. However, when I finally did manage to forgive my mother and move forward with my adult life, I started experiencing peace like I’d never imagined. I’m grateful that this was my experience as an ACOA.
For an ACOA, or any other person who underwent childhood trauma, so much damage has been done that many believe forgiveness just isn’t possible. We believe that we’ll constantly harbor ill feelings against those who wronged us and are doomed to relive the events that took place over and over. For the ACOA, much like the actual addicts themselves, recovery is a process–and one that doesn’t just happen overnight. Though difficult, forgiveness is an important part of that process. It isn’t one-size-fits-all. Forgiveness may look different for you than it did for me, but its significance is no less meaningful.
What Are the Signs of Toxic Parents?
When I read “10 Signs You Have a Toxic Parent” by Lisa M. Douglas, I was quickly reminded of some of the negative past events that took place in my own life as I grew up with my alcoholic, toxic parent. Here are just a few highlights from that article
- They don’t talk to you.
As an ACOA, this resonates so much. Many of us have parents who find it difficult to communicate with us, as well as other members of the family. Unfortunately, they tend to use drinking as a way of coping when the words don’t come so easily.
- They make you responsible for their happiness and well-being.
Essentially, having an alcoholic parent means that, as children, we were forced into a parenting role. Rather than watching our parents healthily navigate through life’s turmoil, we were often forced into the role of mother and father. In many cases, we were the glue that held our homes together as we cared for our parents’ basic needs in addition to our own.
- Their feelings always come before your’s.
Alcoholism is often an emotional response to a deeper psychological issue. Drinking is what made/makes our parents feel “better”–if only for a moment. Regardless of what our needs were and the damage that alcohol abuse can cause to loved ones, our parents continued to drink as a way to shield their own emotional wounds. Of course, this damaged us in turn and, in many cases, made us too used to those around us constantly putting their needs before us.
Why Should You Forgive Someone Who Hurt You?
Believe it or not, it takes a lot of energy to hold on to hate, contempt, resentment, and grudges. This is energy that could be better spent focusing on the things and people in our lives that make us happy and rarely disappoint. In the case of the alcoholic parent, perhaps we should forgive them because they are truly sick. Now that I’m a mother, I understand that turning your back on your children in any way completely goes against maternal instincts. I realize now that my mother is ill and needs help.
We should also forgive those who hurt us because we are able. Despite being ACOAs, many of us have used our resources in order to develop an awareness and ability to persevere that our alcoholic parents were unable to hone themselves. We understand, more than anybody, that addressing our problems head-on is the best way to ensure we aren’t overwhelmed by the struggles of life. Because we are able to see the differences (and similarities) between our parents and ourselves, ACOAs have the unique ability to practice forgiveness while vowing never to forget our parents’ mistakes.
How do you forgive and let go?
Leo Babauta outlines some incredible tips on how to forgive and let go here. A lot of his advice is applicable to people of differing walks of life and there are a few that are directly related to the struggles of an ACOA.
- Understand that forgiveness is a choice.
By choosing to forgive, you are making a conscious decision to stop allowing another person’s mistakes to negatively impact your life. You are acknowledging that you were mistreated by a toxic parent, but you’ve decided that this fact won’t define the rest of your life.
- Make room for peace.
This is a tough one. When you’ve grown up around chaos and turmoil, you tend to keep those same patterns as an adult. As ACOAs, we have to get used to surrounding ourselves with people who respect our boundaries, are low on drama, and demonstrate their support of us.
- Empathize.
As I previously mentioned, alcoholism is truly a disease. Nobody grows up with the desire to lose the ability to function without the bottle. Because so many of us don’t understand the origins of this disease for our respective parents, it may serve us to show them some compassion. This doesn’t mean we should eliminate our boundaries, but it does mean that we can acknowledge that addiction is a nasty disease that can change its victims in the blink of an eye.
The Power of Forgiveness
When I became a mother and began my own path to discover the best way to raise my son as an ACOA, I realized that I had to forgive my mother. I’d obsessed about what she did wrong for years and it consumed me. There were so many questions that would never be answered and changes that would never be made. The damage to our relationship was already done. I needed to move on; for myself and my own baby.
When I made that decision, it opened up so much space for me to decide what I can do to give my child a positive experience. Rather than focusing on the low self-esteem I suffered as a young girl, I spend my time researching about the ways that I can raise a child who loves himself so much that he demands respect from everyone he meets. As ACOAs, we have so many tough choices to make. I pray that each and every one of us can practice forgiveness and experience the healing that comes along with it.
Have you found away to forgive the addict in your life? Are you still struggling in this area? Comment below to share your experiences.
Michelle says
I’m not a ACOA, but it
family has their own issues. This post is so well written and I love how honest and gracious you are in your writing.
Michelle says
Thank you! You are so right. Forgiveness is key in so many family dynamics outside of addiction.