Raising a Child as an ACOA
Growing up as an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), I had so many questions surrounding parenting. I wondered if my mother loved her children. I contemplated what it must be like to have a “normal family” that didn’t require its youngest members to tow the emotional baggage. And, of course, I wondered what kind of mother I’d be in the future. Because I was ACOA, I didn’t have a great example of motherhood at home due to my mother’s addiction. I realized that if I was ever going to be a good parent, I would have to put in the work to figure out exactly what that is.
ACOAs are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to parenting. Oftentimes, our day-to-day lives were chaotic as children, even if there was a sober parent in the household. We are used to inconsistencies, neglectful, and sometimes abusive behavior from our alcoholic parents. As I’m sure we’ve all done, I preached the “it’ll never be me” sermon into adulthood. But when I became pregnant, I wasn’t so sure. I realized that I didn’t actually know how to be a good parent. Through research, trial and error, and a whole lot of tears, I learned some great tips that have helped me, an ACOA, so much with raising my son. I hope they’ll be useful for you as well!
What is Successful Parenting?
No parent is perfect, and the children we raise will not reach perfection either. However, parents can achieve success by aiming to mold their children into human beings who are capable of standing on their own two feet in adulthood, making well-thought-out decisions, and having stead-fast moral values as they’ve been told right from wrong. Successful parents use a combination of these traits:
- Love
A good parent acts from a place of love at all times. He/she speaks to the child with respect and tries to uphold a sense of dignity, even when being a disciplinarian. A good parent always want their love for the child to shine through every action.
- Empathy
Good parents try to understand what their children are going through regardless of how young or old that child may be. They remember their own lack of flawlessness and know that each child is an individual to be cared for in a unique way.
- Fluidity
Good parents are not stagnant when it comes to their children. When their parenting-style isn’t working, they don’t simply give up on their children. They change themselves in order to meet their children’s needs. They know that it is ultimately their job (not the school’s or the doctor’s) to ensure the best life possible for the young people entrusted to them. Therefore, if a change must be made, they are willing to switch things up.
- Faith
Good parents believe in their children. They know that children are born good, children have the power to change for the better (regardless of their mistakes), and that children are capable of bringing more good into the world than even they know. Good parents affirm their children and let them know that they are optimistic about their future, even when no one else does.
How Does Bad Parenting Affect a Child?
When a child is unfortunate enough to have a “bad parent,” the damage that results can be catastrophic. For an ACOA, the damage is frightening. In my own experience, even in adulthood, I find myself craving love and attention from all of the wrong places, I suffer from low self-esteem, and I often find it difficult to manage money. The good/bad news is: I’m not alone! This commonly used “Laundry List” published by the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization shows the list of burdens that we often have to bear as a result of our upbringing, such as:
- Constant approval seeking
- Living in a state of denial
- The need to take responsibility for others before addressing our own needs
- Fear of abandonment
Because alcoholism is a nasty disease that essentially stole our “good parents” from us, several of us are all too aware of the damage. We want to be good parents–to avoid causing damage and chaos in another person’s life. We want to stop perpetuating the cycle of negativity that we grew up in.
What Are the 3 Steps to Successful Parenting for the ACOA?
While there are several steps to becoming a successful parent, I’ve highlighted just a few here for ACOAs in particular. These are steps that I’ve implemented in my own journey as a mom and that I have to continuously go back to as a fight the demons of my past.
1. Model Healthy Behavior
- Show them proper hygiene on a daily basis.
- Show them how to properly care for their possessions and the home they live in.
- Assist them in developing routines early in life so that they have some sense of regularity.
- Communicate with them and in front of them. Let them see, firsthand, that every disagreement doesn’t have to be a fight.
- Take them to doctors appointments and allow them so see you going to the doctor.
2. Provide Effective Discipline
- Talk to your children. Ask them why they broke the rules or acted out of character. Show that you care about what led to the misbehavior more than the end result.
- Remember you are a parent first–not a friend. Don’t let bad behavior go unchecked just to be “cool.” Part of growing up is learning that there are consequences for action in life–both positive and negative. It is your job as a parent to ensure that they know that negative consequences exist for wrongdoing.
- Use positive reinforcement. Praising your child for what he’s doing right and showing that breaking rules won’t earn him the attention he’s looking for often results in more frequent desires to behave.
- Avoid physical punishment if possible. It isn’t up to me to tell you not to spank your child. Use your own discretion. In my own experience, I try to remember how I would have felt as a kid if my parents would have taken the time to simply talk to me or explain what I’d done wrong. For me, it would have made a world of difference.
- Ensure you and your partner are in agreement when it comes to discipline. Whether you are still in a relationship or not, you want to appear as a united front when problems arise in a child’s behavior.
3. Prepare Your Children for Independence
- Remember: these people will grow up one day! You won’t always be with them and you want to be sure they are able to make appropriate decisions on their own. Work to instill a moral compass in them now so that they’ll be able to confidently make decisions on their own when the time comes.
- Give your child responsibilities in the home. Let them practice maintaining their own rooms. Allow them to help with the laundry, dishes, and caring of pets. Let them know that, as members of the household, they are contributors too. Their contribution doesn’t have to be financial, but it is still appreciated.
- Teach your children what you know. Explore ways to keep track of bills. Share the experience of routine maintenance for the car. Show them that résumé that landed you a stellar job. While we may have had to learn some of these things on the fly, our children have the advantage of seeing them on a daily basis.
The Major Rewards of Being a Parent . . .
Being a good parent is a gift that keeps on giving. Being good to your children increases the likelihood that someone will be around to take care of you in your old age. It gives you an opportunity to be in the lives of your grandchildren. Most of all, it means that you have made a major, positive contribution to mankind. Because we are ACOAs, we didn’t always know what good parenting was, but we have an opportunity to change all that. These are only a few of the many steps that we might take in order to reap the benefits of being the best parents we can be.
What about you? What has your experience been as an ACOA parent? Let’s share some more steps to successful parenting below!
Michelle says
Let me know your parenting advice! 🙂