Loving Your Child
I know, I know. It sounds awfully simple. You’ve created life and are automatically connected to your baby. Your mothering and fathering instincts kick in once your baby takes his first breath and you instantly feel that unconditional love that all of your Facebook friends have been going on about for ages. This sounds like the stuff of movies . . . because, for many of us,it is.
My Story
A few months before having my son, I struggled with the realization that I had absolutely no clue how to love him properly. More specifically, I had no idea how to be a mother because my own mother was the alcoholic parent in my life. Because I was an ACOA, I knew what it was like to grow up questioning the love of my parents and constantly comparing my home life to what I saw with other friends and family members. As a young adult, I vowed to raise my own children in such a way that they would never have to question my love for them. So far, it has been a lot of trial and error, but I’m confident that an ACOA absolutely must be conscientious of our his or her own parenting in order to avoid making the same mistakes our own parents made.
How do you show love to your children?
- Cover Basic Needs
For the Average Joe, this sounds like a no-brainer, but for the ACOA it may not be. From their first day, children need constant care and attention. They need to be diapered, fed, cleaned, and put to bed at decent hours of the night. For those who suffered from neglect at the hands of an alcoholic or drug addicted parent, this can be difficult. But, one of the easiest ways to show love to your child is by consistently covering her basic needs for the entire duration of her childhood.
- Let Kids Be Kids
As an ACOA, you may have played a parental role in your home as a child. Maybe it was your responsibility to have dinner on the table. Maybe it was your job to make sure all of your younger siblings were up and ready to go to school on time. You may have even had to remind your parent(s) to pay rent or other bills. The point is–these are adult responsibilities that your child should not have to stress over. In order to love your child, focus on allowing him to experience the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence without the burden of your decisions and responsibilities. There are child-appropriate contributions that each kid can make, but those should differ from your own.
- Respect Them
While we often think of our children as possessions that belong to us, they are only in our care for a short period of time. During those formative years, children emerge as individuals who want to be respected as such. They develop their own opinions,boundaries, and preferences. While it is imperative that children show respect for their parents, respect must be modeled and it is important for parents to demonstrate the expectation. Love your child by letting her know that, just by being here, she is entitled to respect and kindness–especially from those who love her most.
- Embrace Differences
No two people are exactly alike. If you are a parent, this is something that you must accept. Your children may have different beliefs than you and make decisions that you don’t agree with. As an ACOA, you probably know better than anybody that parents and children don’t always have to agree. If we want our children to be better versions of ourselves, we must show them unconditional love and accept that they are not us–because we are certainly not our parents.
- Discipline Them
While the topic of discipline can be particularly triggering for an ACOA who had an abusive or neglectful relationship with a parent, it is absolutely necessary. Discipline doesn’t have to hurt children physically or break their hearts emotionally. It is simply showing your child that every action has a consequence. Love your child by demonstrating the ways in which negative and disobedient behavior may affect him. He will be tasked with navigating life on his own one day and it is your job as a parent to help him prepare for the best decision-making possible.
What is unconditional love in parenting?
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT provides a definition of “unconditional love.” She writes, “Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations.” This is never more important than in parenting. Raising children is a taxing job. As you scroll through various social media feeds, you might find that your friends and associates make it look easy. But children aren’t perfect. There will be difficulties along the way. There may even be days when you find that your child is the most difficult person alive. When these days come, some reflection is necessary. Think about the more difficult days of your own youth. How much easier would it have been had your parents simply talked to you and made you feel safe? Loving your child requires you to step out of your comfort zone and demonstrate what you may have missed out on as an ACOA.
How does love and affection affect a child’s development?
A study conducted by UCLA found the following correlations:
- Childhood abuse may be an indication of poor physical health in adulthood.
UCLA’s study showed that the entire body, as opposed to the function of individual organs, is likely linked to the effects of neglect and abuse. While the emotional effects have often been apparent, the role that traumatic stress plays on the physical body is just as important.
- Parental warmth may reduce negative effects of abuse.
The study also found that parental warmth directed at children who had been previously abused helped to reduce negative physical ailments that may have otherwise occured in adulthood.
- Emotional Well-Being
While UCLA’s study focuses on physical issues and effects, their study does provide evidence that early intervention is key in saving lives. If parents and caregivers have necessary parental training, they can learn to connect with their children early on and provide a safe environment. This will help children to be emotionally stable and they will be more likely to choose emotional and physical stability into adulthood.
How do I make my child feel loved?
ACOAs can struggle into adulthood with actually feeling and accepting love. If your experience with your addicted parent was anything like mine, you know the struggle. I remember crying day-after-day, wondering why my parents didn’t care. As a parent myself now, I focus on the things I wish my mom and dad would have done. I ask my son his likes and dislikes; spend time with him alone; and give him all the hugs and kisses I possibly can! Most importantly, I let him know that he is the most important thing in my life. Loving your kids–and helping them to feel that love–means that nothing else should come before them. Each child is different, so this advice isn’t one-size-fits-all. The more you get to know them, the more you can tailor your parenting style to be exactly what they need.
What defines a good parent?
- Consistency
Children need to know the rules of the house and what parents expect from them. Parents should make clear what the roles of each family member are—including themselves. Good parents strive to follow through with what they say–whether there’s discipline or a reward involved.
- Role-Modeling
Parents are their childrens’ first role models. Depending on the parent, this can be a good or bad thing. Loving your child involves behaving in a way that you wouldn’t mind them emulating. Hold yourself to the highest standards and show your children that morals, values, and hardwork are a part of your daily life.
- Acceptance
Your children are going to do some things you just don’t like. As they grow older, they will make their own decisions and you may not agree with them. To be a good parent, you must love them anyway. While our children certainly learn from us, they are not us. Allow your child to be his/her own person and be there when they need you (and they will!).
Loving Your Child is Possible!
Because we are ACOAs, we know the importance of having strong parental involvement. We know that it is absolutely vital to a child’s well-being. As adults, many of us understand that whatever happens in childhood stays with us our entire lives. Just because our childhoods were difficult doesn’t mean that we can’t be amazing parents. It may take a lot of work, but loving your child and properly demonstrating that love is totally possible!
Please click here for more ACOA parenting talk and join the mailing list for exclusive content!